She stole my cake!! (or so I thought...) Part 2

All of us are capable of hurting the ones we love. It isn't just a cliche' statement. It is, unfortunately, true. When a loved one does us harm, are we willing to see them as human? Are we willing to see them, still, through loving eyes?

The hurt from the lies and deceit of the affair I experienced lead me to where I am now. No regrets. I did not see the silver lining of the affair and divorce until about 1 year ago. I saw glimpses of personal growth, along the way, and value in all the teachings these life-lessons had in store for me. In "She stole my cake!!" Part 1, I share how affairs are like viruses. The emotional threads of an affair can spread like chain mail over the Internet, and it triggers everyone it touches.

I learned to deal with rage, sadness, love, ownership, and forgiveness. These feelings became "the tragedy that sits in the room with me". I faced the fear. I learned I needed to do my own assessment and I did. I took the first 2 years, after my husband moved out, to reassess my own "cake-baking" and self-pleasuring. I was basically a "born again virgin" in ways, because instead of jumping into a new sexual encounter, I chose individual therapy for myself and marriage therapy with him. I did in fact continue to engage in intercourse during marriage therapy, because my husband at the time continued to be unable to make a decision, and he played both sides of the fence for years, which in the beginning, I misinterpreted as "hope" and "care" from him. I then revenged-fucked the shit out of him many times thereafter. In the moment it seemed like a "fair" consolation prize. (he was aware of why I was continuing to give it up to him, so if he reads this, it will not be a surprise to him -- his lady-friend on the other hand......*shrug*...don't know, and don't care)

Am I proud that revenge was part of my process? No. Did it teach me a valuable lesson? Yes.

There are so many natural consequences of affairs. Revenge fucking. Loss of self. Loss of family. Loss of faith. Loss of trust. Loss of intimacy. Loss of character. (and I experienced all of those and saw my ex experience those and more. Grief and loss is very personal, but so much of it is also relative.).

All of the things we feel like we "lose" during  a significant change like divorce, can be recovered and repaired. We have to face the fear. Do the work. Learn to accept the challenge ahead. Face it head on. Embrace it. Nurture it. Love it. Love ourselves. Love our new "self".

It is so much easier said than done, this "facing the fear" approach, but I know that I learned to remain "me". No one was going to take my marriage away. Nor were they going to destroy it. I chose to accept the good parts of my marriage, then I accepted the bad parts of my marriage. I accepted the good parts of my divorce, and I accepted the bad parts of my divorce.

The affair is a symptom of bigger issues, and his issues were not mine. The symptoms of an affair can be treated or they can turn into an illness that festers. I chose to treat the symptoms and now I watch my ex, through healthy lenses, as he festers.

"She" in fact did not steal my cake. She chose to commiserate and inherit stale ingredients, and their cake-baking will not rise to an occasion, but rather it will fall flat, due to a poor recipe.

My plate is fuller, after feeling so empty and so alone.

My cake is dreamier and more delicious because I worked the process and cared for my symptoms.

New, healthy, fresh and delicious ingredients, simply rock. How we get there, is just part of the journey. Embrace the journey.