I would be willing to wager all of us have been touched by the violation of when someone "steals our cake". I am no angel. Don't claim to be one. (and frankly, I don't want to be one) I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that after all the turmoil, the grief and loss, and the facing the fear of my divorce, that these "events" teach us more than we could have possibly imagined.
When someone cheats, it really isn't about the sex. (I know some of you are scrunching your nose, yelling at your computer screen, and getting ready to never read my blog again, but take a deep breath, and hear me out.)
Because we are human, and because we come from humans and we are raised, by humans, we are a product of our environment. I have baggage. You have baggage. If we don't unpack our bags, put our clothes away, and tidy up, BEFORE we enter into a long-term relationship, we are going to "work it out" in our "marriages". I am not here to debate nature vs. nurture. I am here today, to share what I believe is one of the biggest teachable moments of my life! I am also convinced that affairs touch us all, and I know when my husband chose to escape from reality, and not deal with his childhood issues, it touched more than just me, the kids and him.
My journey began in 2001, and the gory details aren't the real lesson here, so those won't be exposed. The real lessons are:
My nanny became my support, my punching bag, my therapist and my advisor (Heather, you are a vibrant, strong, insanely fun, and wise woman)
My sister stayed steady, as usual, was a confidant voice, and went above and beyond to help clean up the mess
My network of personal therapists and clinical colleagues were a wealth of rational knowledge and unending support
Two of my neighbors took on the role of "husband" and were there form me to help with the lawn, the kids, carpools, and hugs and advice when I was running late, or running on empty
My three "go-to" gals were there at all hours of the day and night, when I had the urge to call my ex for validation, and they talked me through and over walls that seemed impossible to break down
My job was a center point, a focus and a life-saver, but eventually became a stepping stone, and I wouldn't have changed a thing! It launched me into my "next stage"
My kids learned that it's OK to have their own experience with the divorce and that my grief and loss is not theirs. (thank the Gods, the stars, the moon and the universe for good therapists and my willingness to hear them)
I learned that the bravery of one woman who finally validated what I already knew about my husband, was the best gift she could give me. Her risk was my reward. I am forever indebted to her (she stopped the screaming in my head)
The message in these bullets, is that affairs don't just affect the two people that choose to secretly lay down together, and that their genitals are not the most important things in that moment. Their union of their genitalia, is a catalyst of "stuff" that brews confusion in their own hearts and confusion in the hearts of the people they step out on. It isn't about the sex. It is about the "unfinished" human flaws they need to own. People who "cheat" choose to share with their "mistress/mister" what they should have been owning and then sharing with their partner in their long-term relationship/marriage. The lies they tell you, me, their friends, their family, their co-workers, their children....the list goes on....that is what hurts the most. Then the impositions of a broken family begin to feed on those same friends, the neighbors, the children, the co-workers, and every other human whose path they crossed along the way. Their unfinished business in their own hearts, which they chose not to expose, but attempted to "fix" by rubbing their genitalia together with someone elses' is. not. the. solution. The solution is to say out loud, to someone, anyone, what is heavy and weighing them down. Rather, they should say it out loud to their partner, then ask them to go to therapy to resolve the issue at hand, and maybe even discover more "stuff" that might need tweaking. Couples may, in fact, find they can't resolve "it" or the "stuff", but at least they tried.
Say it out loud. Seek help. Try. (and seriously, I looked at my husband and yelled, "You didn't even ask if I wanted to join you, for God sake, I would have at least liked to have had the choice to watch you screw her!") He knew me enough to know that was a serious statement. The bottom line was, he didn't trust me enough to tell me his desires, and that was his fatal flaw, and the largest part of my hurt and anger.
As you read this post today, if you are considering stepping out of your current relationship, and not asking your significant other, to join you on the "stepping out", I ask you to stop. Please stop. Say "it" (whatever that may be for you) out loud. Seek help.
Some great resources for learning how to say what is true for you are:
Take a deep breath
Start with "I need" not "You...."
Practice in the mirror, or with a professional therapist, counselor, or trusted advisor
Then just "man up" or "vag up" and say it out loud! (yes, "vag up", is in fact, referencing your vagina - which is a very powerful muscle, plus a powerful reference)
Part 2 of "She stole my cake, or so I thought" will continue tomorrow...
I look forward to tomorrow.
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